Another day, another realization that my writing muse has decided to lock herself away somewhere and refuses to talk to me. So, I haven’t done much in the way of developing literature.

Instead, I’ve watched way too many hours on the History of Knitting. I found it rather interesting that it could be traced back to Egyptian Cotton stockings and that when Europeans finally decided to catch on with African and the Middle East in learning the technique, that guys took it over, hid it behind guild walls, and pretty much told women for a couple centuries that it was too difficult for them to learn. Same with regard to embroidery and weaving. Those I’ve known about, the knitting was new information.

Also been looking at tattoo ideas, now that I have my DNA results. Celtic, Danish, French, some of those ideas. But, Celtic Knots originated in the US in the 60s. And a lot of the Danish/Norse and some of the Celtic symbols are being taken over by neo-nazi, white supremecist, alt-right creepoids. No thanks.

Regardless of the tattoo issue, this is leaving me with a sense of floating, being a bit lost in finding myself. It’s a funny little bit of a quandry. African Americans, Asian Americans, and so on who have very distinctive features know that their ancestors either immigrated here or were forceably brought here. White folk do to, but a lot (especially rural) have been raised with a mentality in a somewhat homogenous community that they are the majority and therefore have the most say. But there is a fascinating level of desire to find out you have Native American blood in your genes. I was hoping I had some, just due to the family origin stories. I think I stumbled into why the family origin stories have it and it’s got me feeling lost.

White folk know that their families immigrated and there is a lot of background history of oppression. There’s the folk who go with that alt-right crap and get off on knowing they owned people way back. Then there’s the folk who really hope that their families weren’t those people and that they came from abolitionists and such.

There’s also a knowing that the US wasn’t white people country and that the land was stolen from the nations.

I had hopes of having a tether here, saying I had a reason for belonging. It was only ever myth for me.

Looking though at the countries I am genetically related to, they say I am just American. Quite a lot of them go “yeah, you might be genetic, but that doesn’t mean you’re ‘from’ here, so you can’t just come back, we won’t take you, you aren’t ‘Irish’, ‘Scottish’, ‘British’, ‘French’, ‘Danish’, etc.”

So I’m facing that nagging in the back of my mind that I was born and raised here, but I don’t really belong, but I won’t be claimed elsewhere.

It’s…interesting, and depressing. It’s something I had only ever tangentially wondered about, but always clung to the “no, I have background that helps me feel like it’s okay that I’m here.”

I don’t think there’s much to do with this feeling other than acknowledge it, use it to reflect, and better understand others who experience the same sensation of nebulous weightlessness, like a balloon caught in the convergence of two winds.

So, that might be one odd caution to those of you looking at getting one of those DNA tests done. It’s very informative. It’s impacting my health choices – eating better, exercise, etc. But it’s also made me realize that other than being born here, I don’t have the background. I’m just kinda living here, in land that was stolen from other people, that due to social and political structure is too expensive to leave, and the countries of my background don’t want to claim me because of a ‘you’re on your own there’ mentality.

Should countries accept back people who find out that is where their genetics is from? A repatriation of sorts? I don’t know. I think there would be quite a lot of people who would use that to their advantage to escape the conditions here. I know I would. I hate being associated with a government that is moving more and more to a fascist thematic. I want to live somewhere that is accepting of various races, sexual orientations, gender orientations, and so much more. Here. Here it’s depressing.

Anyways, thought that might be something to think about if you’re looking at getting tested and you’re whiter than milk paste mixed with titanium powder and have myths in your background.

---